Dear Bean,
I can’t believe that it
has been four weeks since I last wrote to you! I’m not sure where to start! In order from our last conversation? Or shall I just ramble? Perhaps I shall just ramble……as you will find
out soon enough – that is one of my many idiosyncrasies!
Well, well, you’re a
lively one aren’t you! Your dad and I seen you on ultrasound yesterday. Thinking about it now makes the muscles in my
face hurt because I can’t stop smiling! You where kicking, and waving, and
toward the end of scan you turned round to face us – or rather you did a summersault
to turn toward us! My mum thinks you’re going to be a gymnast like I was.
I think you can be anything and anyone you want to be. I think you will always be perfect. Always.
Seeing you yesterday didn’t make it anymore real for me. In fact it made the whole thing feel even
more surreal! Tonight however, as I was
rubbing my oil into my belly, it hit me like a ton of bricks! And I am elated! Being pregnant with you, having you inside of
me, thinking about holding you in my arms, and wondering what you will look
like….all of it…..for the first time tonight….it’s real. You are really there, you have a heartbeat,
you’re alive – inside of me – growing bigger and bigger every single day. It’s absolutely mind blowingly incredible and
so perfectly beautiful. The last time I seen
you, you were a tiny flickering circle with a thread attaching you to the
lining of my womb. Now, six weeks later,
you are a fully formed foetus….with arms and fingers and legs and toes and a
brain and a heart and everything in between.
You can hear me and sense my mood……
Wow.
I’m your mother. And you are my child. You are my child.
You are twelve weeks
and five days old. So your estimated
time of arrival is the tenth of the eleventh of the twelfth. I hope you are born then – it is such a cool
date of birth!
My symptoms have
certainly changed a lot since I last wrote to you! I think the last time that I wrote to you I was
possibly on my sixth day in bed! Well,
the following day, or the day after that, one of my housemates very kindly
removed me from my boudoir and took me for a walk to a nearby coffee shop. It was only a half hour round walk but it
felt like trekking mount Everest! It was
however, so good to get some fresh air and it kick started a small boost in
energy and motivational levels. Things really
picked up when your dad got home…maybe missing him a bit to do with it, but not
much, I would be ok for a few hours and doing small things but for the most
part I was generally wiped out. I think I
convinced myself that I was carrying two of you because my fatigue was so
pronounced. However, I am pleased to
announce that you are completely unique, there is only one of you, and I am
completely energetic and feel invincible!
Yesterday I scrubbed the kitchen and the basement and today I have been
shopping all afternoon! I fall asleep at
around one am and wake up at around eleven am.
My mind feels crystal clear and as soon as this weekend’s celebrations
are over I shall commence my dissertation.
Nausea. Oh, my, golly gosh, baby
bean. I have really bad nausea now. It all started in Wales. And every day it gets worse. All the food I really liked before……make me
feel sooooo sick. Just taking about it
makes me feel sick! So, at week twelve,
my only symptoms are nausea, a touch of heartburn, a larger than average
pregnancy bump and larger than ever imagined boobs! We’re at 34D now! They don’t hurt anymore though so Dora and I
are good friends again. My ass……my ass
has gone up two sizes too. And my
thighs. I have to rub on a lot of cream. I don’t care!
I love looking at my full bodied curvy pregnant self. I’ve gone from a stick thin wanderer to a
woman with a purpose. And it feels
sublime. However, my little angelface, I
do plan on becoming a stick thin woman with a purpose in the not too distant
future ha ha ha. I’ve recently started
swimming with friends of your dad and I.
I’ve mentioned them before. We were
with them when we did our pregnancy test.
They are our besties. We spend
lots of time with them, most weekends. The
girl – I’ve known for many, many moons. Both
of us have changed a million times over since we first met. Now she is an angel hippy living in a
city. I wish I could take her to Wales. She has so much magic in and around her.
Two weeks ago I went to
Wales. All by myself! The journey was hard. Both ways.
But the bit in the middle…..well, that was special. Really special. Remember I told you about your faerie
godmother? Well, I went to see her and
stay with her for a long week end. Oh. It was like an oasis in a desert. It had been so long since we last seen each
other, but from the moment we were together again it was as if we’d never been
apart. And we understand each other on
level that is really quite unique – unspoken almost. So the whole time spent together was perfect…..we
knew each other’s capabilities and inabilities….so when we needed to relax, we
relaxed…with TV and food and trips down memory lane. And when we didn’t need to relax, we went for
a stroll in the beautiful Welsh countryside, lunch in the best alternative
vegetarian health shop in the country, shopping – of course, and threw lunches
and laughs with weepy films to follow! I
love her. I understand her. She inspires me and I want her in your life
as much as possible. I can’t wait for
you to meet her. She is truly magical. My smile is tenfold as I imagine you unable
to contain your excitement every time we go to visit her.
Along with myself, our
other friend stayed too. She comes from America and she is the personification
of angel. She is sweet, and kind, and
gentle, and cleaver, and patient and quite pure. She is one of life’s good ones. Not many people have one in their life. I feel blessed to have her and I feel sad
that I have not seen enough of her whilst she is here. Perhaps I should help you practice that more
than I understand it…….live for today…..don’t put off tomorrow what you , can
do today….don’t take time, distance or people for granted. Cherish everyone, relish them and let them
know how special they are. I don’t do it
enough. I must. And then there was the girl who shares my
birthday, and a piece of my soul. She came
to see us for the weekend. She plays the
guitar and sings like a star. She shines
like a star. She means the world to me
and I’ve missed her so much. Like your
aunty Beans, the girl who shares my birthday is one of life’s survivors, one of
the ones who becomes more strong and more shiny the more hardships that they
have to overcome. And they have had so
many hardships and they have overcome them and shine so brightly. All four of these women mean everything to
me. Good women, completely human, yet
completely otherworldly. So distant, but
so close to my heart.
So, a few lessons to
learn from the last time that I wrote to you!
One, never make promises you can’t keep – I said I’d tell you about your
great grandmothers. Two, never get
unnecessarily upset when a good friend can’t keep a date and always try and
keep dates because now you know how it feels.
Every day is a school day ay? I always
break dates, well, used to. My friend
came round to see me the following week.
She is doing so well! She is a
professional dancer and runs her own dance company and after many many years of
striving to get it off the ground she has finally succeeded! I am so proud of her. And so interested in her journey to come…….you
will love her…..she too is very magical, but more than that, very Scottish…and
we like that best J So, your great grandmothers. Well, tomorrow one of them will be ninety
years old! My aunty – who lives in a
house in the countryside not far from me – is hosting a weekend of celebration
for the whole family. We’ve come from
all over the country and all over the world.
One of my cousins I haven’t seen for sixteen years, some I’ve never even
met before! I’m very, very excited. My granny’s, your great grandmothers, are my
heroines. They are the ultimate survivors. The ultimate feminists. They are simply ultimate. The one who will be ninety tomorrow survived
the holocaust. She, and one of her
little sisters were the only members of her family to survive. It wasn’t just the war she had to
survive. She had to survive the
aftermath. The not knowing. The never again.
Before the war she
taught herself things that she wasn’t really supposed to know about then, as a
young girl. She taught herself
philosophy and comparative religion. After
the war she travelled far, far away, where she became a nurse, and met your
great grandfather. In the most ironic, romantically
fated story ever. I shall tell you in
person. Its good! Your great grandmother was, and is, very
funny – very mischievous, but so utterly classy…..a dark horse shall we
say. She travelled the world. Alone, with her husband, with her children,
and alone. Lots of time alone. She was so strong. She IS so strong! Still so independent, completely independent –
at ninety years old. Your younger great grandmother
came from a very poor family and found
herself in a marriage that wasn’t very healthy for my mother who was very
young. In those days it didn’t matter
what situation you found yourself in……you were supposed to put up with it until
the day you died and you certainly weren’t supposed to complain about it! That must be hard for you to picture. Anyway.
She left her husband and she brought my mum up on her own. She had two or three jobs and sent my mum to grammar
school. There was no feminism in those
days. No rights for women. No rights for single mothers. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the first
single mother…..voluntary anyway. She didn’t
care what box society said she belonged in.
She is still as strong and stubborn and bolshie as ever. She is so funny. So, so funny.
But no so independent anymore. And
it breaks her heart. And mine. That’s a little bit about my granny’s, next
time I’ll tell you about yours.
I love the women in our
life. There are some very remarkable men
in our life too….and next time I’ll tell you about them. For now, I must go to sleep! In future I shall take a leaf from your
faerie godmothers book and write in the morning. That way, my letters to you will be more
detailed, and less rambling. Hopefully!
Goodnight and
Goddess blessings,
Please stay strong and please, please don’t go anywhere.
I
love you with my whole heart,
Mum xxxxxxx
