18 Weeks

Dear Bean,

Details of our development at week 18:

"This week your baby is now about 6 inches/15cm long and weighs around 7oz/200g. There is still a lot of room in your uterus to move about and your baby will continue to make the most of this by rolling, twisting and kicking around in there.

This could be the week that you start to feel these movements. Blood vessels are still quite visible beneath the paper-thin skin and the ears are now finally in position. The nerves are developing a protective covering of myelin which will continue for up to twelve months after birth. The genitals are now formed and in place but if it’s a boy these may not be visible on the ultrasound scan as he may decide to curl up modestly.

The brain can now start to process the sounds that the ears are sending to it and the retinas in the eyes continue to become more sensitive to light.

And Mum?
Your appetite may have increased recently so try to make sensible decisions about what you eat. Always choose food that is rich in nutrients as your baby needs a diverse range to develop properly.

By now you are probably in maternity wear as comfortable clothing is a must. One major change that occurs is within your cardiovascular system. During this second trimester your blood pressure will have lowered. Be careful not to leap up too quickly because you may become dizzy as your reduced blood pressure tries to send more blood to your head.

When you go to bed the best position to sleep in is on your side. The reason for this is because if you lie on your back your uterus may press down on a major blood vessel and restrict the blood flow back to your heart. Try placing a pillow behind you or under one leg.

Your second ultrasound may be due soon. This will help your doctor to check for any birth defects whilst keeping an eye on the condition of the placenta and umbilical cord. During this scan it is quite possible to see your baby moving around and sucking its thumb. This is a magical moment so take your partner along and remember to ask for a photo to start the baby album"

emmasdiary.co.uk

Lots of Love,

Mum xxxxx

I know that he will always look after you and protect you, the way that he looks after me, and protects me.

Dear Bean,

It feels strange calling you bean since you are so big now.  Your dad said I should rename this journal ‘dear orange’ …. He should pay attention, you’re the size of a small melon ;). I’m seventeen weeks and four days pregnant with you.  I’m convinced that you are a girl, and he is convinced that you are a boy.  You can hear me now and even though your eye lids are still fused together you can see light.  Yesterday I had a bath to see if I could feel you moving.  I didn’t feel you move, but I did feel you! Right at the surface of my tummy.  When I raised my tummy to the top of the water you floated to the surface of my tummy and when I sank back down into the bath you sank back down inside my tummy.  It’d difficult to describe what an overwhelming feeling that was……it was very, very special.  I don’t have all that many symptoms to be honest.  I’m very hungry all of the time – not for anything in particular, and I’ve started to become very dizzy and breathless when partaking in the most miniscule of tasks.  I have very insecure dreams and to a certain extent lack motivation.  I have plenty of motivation to tidy up but I have to force myself every day to do some uni work.  I didn’t get it all done in time for summer graduation.  I didn’t get any of it done.  It was really upsetting, at the time.  Seeing everyone else finishing was hard.  I just could do it…..i had no brain power what so ever.  And now that I do have the brain power … the motivation is somewhat lacking. Buuut, I just know that it will be ok and everything will fall into place.  I plod along daily and I know for a fact that one day my muse will bring all of her friends and have a party at my place and it will just ooze forth!

I started exercising the other week, I got a work out d.v.d for pregnant women and did it every day for a week…it made me feel amazing.  I’ve always been a very active sporty person so it’s been hard for me to have no energy.  Getting my energy levels back felt like a godsend! Anyway, I haven’t exercised in over a week now as I’ve been pretty much confined to my bedroom.  Not because of anything that I’ve done wrong hahaha, or anything that’s wrong with me…..but because I have been nursing my other baby…..Dora.  A few weeks ago we had a heat wave for about a week.  It was hot. Hotter than Africa at one point.  Since Dora had recently gotten all of her injections I decided to let her come outside with us a for a little bit.  I did this about three days running.  Big mistake.  If you’re going to let a cat out, then let it out.  Do not give a little snippet here and there.  With cats, it’s pretty much all or nothing.   And she wanted it all.  After all, she is called Dora  because she’s an explorer.  But she’s still a very tiny inexperienced explorer who thinks that she is a very big and infallible explorer.  One evening the call of the wild obviously became far too  strong for her to be content with cuddles and a d.v.d so she decided to find a way out of the house.  Only the escape route that she discovered was through an attic window with not enough room on the ledge for her to manoeuvre or turn back around.  She fell four floors onto concrete.  When the neighbours brought her to us I felt like my world was falling apart.  She just lay limp in my arms with blood around her mouth and coming from her rear. Her back leg looked beyond repair.  When she started to panic I started to panic ….. thank god one my house mates had done her work experience in a veterinary practice.  She completely took control of the situation and calmed Dora and everyone else down.  She was like ice on fire.  I really thought that she was going die and I would have sold my soul to keep her alive.  The vets managed to save her leg and after a week of sleeping and eating and cuddling she is back to her old mischievous exploratory ways.  She has a metal rod inside of her leg and an adjoining one on the outside.  The outside one won’t be on too much longer but the one on the inside will be there forever.  And it feels like the vet bill will be there forever too!  Ocht well, you cannot put a price on life or health can you?   Well, the vets certainly can! As students, in America we wouldn’t have had to pay for any of her surgery.  Here, we had to pay more than what it will cost to kit you out for a year.  It’s ok, everything will work out.

I’ve applied for a job.  It’s full time, in an office making sales calls.  I’ve done it before, and I’m really good at it.  I used to do it for a news paper group, selling, designing and managing advertising space for local companies.  The woman who gave me that job was the first person in my adult life that gave me a chance and believed in me.  She became my mentor and my best friend.  I loved her so much.  Three years later she died of cancer.  I couldn’t bear to work in the place where she was no more and so I left.  Six months later I became a business woman and the rest is well, a very loooong, looooong story!  The point of this one is, really, that I really need and want this job.  It’s good money, a good environment and safe for my pregnancy.  It will just be so weird going back to that type of work after all of these years…..and so weird making some money after all these years hahaha.  I went into business to make money and have been broke ever since – go figure hahaha.  In those days I would work in the office nine till five and then go straight to work in a night club seven till four.  In those days I was machine……..these days, if I get the job, I’ll work in the office nine till five and then have to study seven till twelve.  To be honest, I really think that not only will having a job relieve a lot of financial pressure but I think that it will boost my confidence and motivational levels.  I really want it.

Just after I wrote to you last month my granny had her ninetieth birthday party.  All of our family came together for the weekend and it was so, so special.  I can’t wait for them to meet you.  You will have lots of cousins to play with, I never did, all of my cousins lived in Africa, it was just me and my brother.  Your dad didn’t even have a brother or a sister.  I would like you to have brothers and sisters.  One thing was missing from the party.  My granddad.  He was remarkable.  He came from a very large and very poor family in Scotland.  One day he cycled over two hundred miles to a job interview for a better life.  He became the head of mines in a far away country where he met my granny and lived a wonderful life.  He never drank, or smoked and he cared for his family and for nature.  When I was small he used to teach me all about plants and trees and wildlife…we would spend hours in his garden and we would walk for hours, playing and collecting leaves for his compost.  When he used to come and visit he would bring me all sorts he found on his walks.  My favourite things where a of sheep skin gloves.  My brothers was a golf ball.  Simple times, simple things.  I loved him so much, and he loved all of us.  The older he became the less he could remember.  But even when he couldn’t remember my name, he still noticed when I dyed my hair.  He always knew who I was, and he always loved me.  I know that he will always look after you and protect you, the way that he looks after me, and protects me.  His name was Jock.

Anyway my little Padame, I have just written the equivalent word count of one of my dissertation chapters, which means that I really ought to stop writing to you and commence my uni work J.

I love you so much baby bean.

Stay safe and don’t go anywhere.

I love you forever,

Mum xxxx

I think about my parents…….And now I know why their hair is COMPLETELY white!

Dear Bean,

Another four weeks! Seems like we’re building a pattern here.  I should have learned from the last time……don’t make promises you can’t keep! See, even grown up’s keep making the same mistake over and over again …. In fact, it’s probably more a grown up thing than a kid thing!

Well, you’re anything but the size of a bean now!  I’m 17 weeks pregnant and you my dear are the size of a small melon!  I heard your heart bear last week.  I actually heard your heart beat.  It’s really overwhelming.  Really overwhelming.  Yet, still very, very surreal.  I think I’ve felt you move a few times…..but I’m not sure if it was wind…..I’m still really constipate.  Urgh, and I really perspire now! Before, if I forgot to put on deodorant – no one would ever, ever know, not even me….now, if I don’t……the woman across the street would know! I stink! Also, I’ve been having horrid nightmares L for about a week now.  They are totally related to my daily thought processes, reflections, natural fears and insecurities.  But it’s not nice to have the cinema view mash up every night!  It’s so strange how much I’ve changed recently.  The things I do like now that I never used to, the things I can’t stand that I used to love.  And how reflective I’ve become….the things I remember. The way I used to be.  The things that happened to me and the things that I did.  The mistakes I made and the things that I learned.  I wonder how I can stop you making the same mistakes.  Being hurt by the same kind of people and putting yourself in danger time, after time, after time.  I think about my parents…….And now I know why their hair is COMPLETELY white!

I’m not staying late my little Padme.  I just wanted to touch base since it’s been such a long time.  I do intend in writing again first thing tomorrow.  I  have much to tell you about the last four weeks!

I love you little angel!

Please stay strong….and safe….and don’t go anywhere!

All my love,

Mum xxxxx

I love the women in our life.

Dear Bean,

I can’t believe that it has been four weeks since I last wrote to you! I’m not sure where to start!  In order from our last conversation?  Or shall I just ramble?  Perhaps I shall just ramble……as you will find out soon enough – that is one of my many idiosyncrasies!

Well, well, you’re a lively one aren’t you! Your dad and I seen you on ultrasound yesterday.  Thinking about it now makes the muscles in my face hurt because I can’t stop smiling! You where kicking, and waving, and toward the end of scan you turned round to face us – or rather you did a summersault to turn toward us!  My mum thinks you’re going to be a gymnast like I was.  I think you can be anything and anyone you want to be.  I think you will always be perfect.  Always.  Seeing you yesterday didn’t make it anymore real for me.  In fact it made the whole thing feel even more surreal!  Tonight however, as I was rubbing my oil into my belly, it hit me like a ton of bricks!  And I am elated!  Being pregnant with you, having you inside of me, thinking about holding you in my arms, and wondering what you will look like….all of it…..for the first time tonight….it’s real.  You are really there, you have a heartbeat, you’re alive – inside of me – growing bigger and bigger every single day.  It’s absolutely mind blowingly incredible and so perfectly beautiful.  The last time I seen you, you were a tiny flickering circle with a thread attaching you to the lining of my womb.  Now, six weeks later, you are a fully formed foetus….with arms and fingers and legs and toes and a brain and a heart and everything in between.  You can hear me and sense my mood……

Wow.

I’m your mother.  And you are my child.  You are my child.

You are twelve weeks and five days old.  So your estimated time of arrival is the tenth of the eleventh of the twelfth.  I hope you are born then – it is such a cool date of birth!

My symptoms have certainly changed a lot since I last wrote to you!  I think the last time that I wrote to you I was possibly on my sixth day in bed!  Well, the following day, or the day after that, one of my housemates very kindly removed me from my boudoir and took me for a walk to a nearby coffee shop.  It was only a half hour round walk but it felt like trekking mount Everest!  It was however, so good to get some fresh air and it kick started a small boost in energy and motivational levels.  Things really picked up when your dad got home…maybe missing him a bit to do with it, but not much, I would be ok for a few hours and doing small things but for the most part I was generally wiped out.  I think I convinced myself that I was carrying two of you because my fatigue was so pronounced.  However, I am pleased to announce that you are completely unique, there is only one of you, and I am completely energetic and feel invincible!  Yesterday I scrubbed the kitchen and the basement and today I have been shopping all afternoon!  I fall asleep at around one am and wake up at around eleven am.  My mind feels crystal clear and as soon as this weekend’s celebrations are over I shall commence my dissertation.  Nausea.  Oh, my, golly gosh, baby bean.  I have really bad nausea now.  It all started in Wales.  And every day it gets worse.  All the food I really liked before……make me feel sooooo sick.  Just taking about it makes me feel sick!  So, at week twelve, my only symptoms are nausea, a touch of heartburn, a larger than average pregnancy bump and larger than ever imagined boobs!  We’re at 34D now!  They don’t hurt anymore though so Dora and I are good friends again.  My ass……my ass has gone up two sizes too.  And my thighs.  I have to rub on a lot of cream.  I don’t care!  I love looking at my full bodied curvy pregnant self.  I’ve gone from a stick thin wanderer to a woman with a purpose.  And it feels sublime.  However, my little angelface, I do plan on becoming a stick thin woman with a purpose in the not too distant future ha ha ha.  I’ve recently started swimming with friends of your dad and I.  I’ve mentioned them before.  We were with them when we did our pregnancy test.  They are our besties.  We spend lots of time with them, most weekends.  The girl – I’ve known for many, many moons.  Both of us have changed a million times over since we first met.  Now she is an angel hippy living in a city.  I wish I could take her to Wales.  She has so much magic in and around her. 

Two weeks ago I went to Wales.  All by myself!  The journey was hard.  Both ways.  But the bit in the middle…..well, that was special.  Really special.  Remember I told you about your faerie godmother?  Well, I went to see her and stay with her for a long week end.  Oh.  It was like an oasis in a desert.  It had been so long since we last seen each other, but from the moment we were together again it was as if we’d never been apart.  And we understand each other on level that is really quite unique – unspoken almost.  So the whole time spent together was perfect…..we knew each other’s capabilities and inabilities….so when we needed to relax, we relaxed…with TV and food and trips down memory lane.  And when we didn’t need to relax, we went for a stroll in the beautiful Welsh countryside, lunch in the best alternative vegetarian health shop in the country, shopping – of course, and threw lunches and laughs with weepy films to follow!  I love her.  I understand her.  She inspires me and I want her in your life as much as possible.  I can’t wait for you to meet her.  She is truly magical.  My smile is tenfold as I imagine you unable to contain your excitement every time we go to visit her.

Along with myself, our other friend stayed too. She comes from America and she is the personification of angel.  She is sweet, and kind, and gentle, and cleaver, and patient and quite pure.  She is one of life’s good ones.  Not many people have one in their life.  I feel blessed to have her and I feel sad that I have not seen enough of her whilst she is here.  Perhaps I should help you practice that more than I understand it…….live for today…..don’t put off tomorrow what you , can do today….don’t take time, distance or people for granted.  Cherish everyone, relish them and let them know how special they are.  I don’t do it enough.  I must.  And then there was the girl who shares my birthday, and a piece of my soul.  She came to see us for the weekend.  She plays the guitar and sings like a star.  She shines like a star.  She means the world to me and I’ve missed her so much.  Like your aunty Beans, the girl who shares my birthday is one of life’s survivors, one of the ones who becomes more strong and more shiny the more hardships that they have to overcome.  And they have had so many hardships and they have overcome them and shine so brightly.  All four of these women mean everything to me.  Good women, completely human, yet completely otherworldly.  So distant, but so close to my heart.

So, a few lessons to learn from the last time that I wrote to you!  One, never make promises you can’t keep – I said I’d tell you about your great grandmothers.  Two, never get unnecessarily upset when a good friend can’t keep a date and always try and keep dates because now you know how it feels.  Every day is a school day ay?  I always break dates, well, used to.  My friend came round to see me the following week.  She is doing so well!  She is a professional dancer and runs her own dance company and after many many years of striving to get it off the ground she has finally succeeded!  I am so proud of her.  And so interested in her journey to come…….you will love her…..she too is very magical, but more than that, very Scottish…and we like that best J So, your great grandmothers.  Well, tomorrow one of them will be ninety years old!  My aunty – who lives in a house in the countryside not far from me – is hosting a weekend of celebration for the whole family.  We’ve come from all over the country and all over the world.  One of my cousins I haven’t seen for sixteen years, some I’ve never even met before!  I’m very, very excited.  My granny’s, your great grandmothers, are my heroines.  They are the ultimate survivors.  The ultimate feminists.  They are simply ultimate.  The one who will be ninety tomorrow survived the holocaust.  She, and one of her little sisters were the only members of her family to survive.  It wasn’t just the war she had to survive.  She had to survive the aftermath.  The not knowing.  The never again.

Before the war she taught herself things that she wasn’t really supposed to know about then, as a young girl.  She taught herself philosophy and comparative religion.  After the war she travelled far, far away, where she became a nurse, and met your great grandfather.  In the most ironic, romantically fated story ever.  I shall tell you in person.  Its good!  Your great grandmother was, and is, very funny – very mischievous, but so utterly classy…..a dark horse shall we say.  She travelled the world.  Alone, with her husband, with her children, and alone.  Lots of time alone.  She was so strong.  She IS so strong!  Still so independent, completely independent – at ninety years old.  Your younger great grandmother came from a very poor family  and found herself in a marriage that wasn’t very healthy for my mother who was very young.  In those days it didn’t matter what situation you found yourself in……you were supposed to put up with it until the day you died and you certainly weren’t supposed to complain about it!  That must be hard for you to picture.  Anyway.  She left her husband and she brought my mum up on her own.  She had two or three jobs and sent my mum to grammar school.  There was no feminism in those days.  No rights for women.  No rights for single mothers.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the first single mother…..voluntary anyway.  She didn’t care what box society said she belonged in.  She is still as strong and stubborn and bolshie as ever.  She is so funny.  So, so funny.  But no so independent anymore.  And it breaks her heart.  And mine.  That’s a little bit about my granny’s, next time I’ll tell you about yours. 

I love the women in our life.  There are some very remarkable men in our life too….and next time I’ll tell you about them.  For now, I must go to sleep!  In future I shall take a leaf from your faerie godmothers book and write in the morning.  That way, my letters to you will be more detailed, and less rambling.  Hopefully!

Goodnight and Goddess blessings, 

Please stay strong and please, please don’t go anywhere. 

I love you with my whole heart, 

Mum xxxxxxx

Like a six year old with that hiccup crying thing that they do, you know when the worlds ending?

Dear Bean,

Today has been nice.  Unproductive.  But nice.  I haven’t felt guilty about not doing anything.  And I haven’t been beating myself up about not being able to do anything.  The thing is, over the last few years I’ve developed into an academic proper.  Before that I was a people person proper.  So these last six days or so, not being able to concentrate on a commercial magazine let alone an academic book, coupled with the inability to hold any kind of conversation without feeling awkward or tongue tied,  have really felt like ‘I can’t do anything’.  Exercise?  Walking up stairs makes me feel light headed!  Being pregnant with you is the biggest blessing of my life.  You’re worth the energy drain.  Even though it’s been really, really, hard to get used to.  Today has been nice, I think, because yesterday I had the mother of all melt downs.  Which probably cleared the air a bit.  And I was also rescued by my two mothers.  My mummy, and my fairie goddess mother.  I think I just needed a damn good cry.  And damn did I cry.  All day!  And all night!  I’m a mascara girl.  I don’t really wear make-up much.  Not normally.  Ok, I might have put it on a bit thick when going out for the night.  But normally I just wear mascara.  I just love to dress my eyes.  Windows of the soul.  I swear I was an ancient Egyptian in my past life.  It’s not like my desert island thing or anything, and I’m really not, and never have been, a materialistic girlie girl.  But I do love my mascara.  Well I don’t wear it anymore.  Haven’t done for eight days now.  There’s no point.

Oh, my, gosh.  I’ve just had a brainwave!  Waterproof mascara!  See, it’s good to talk through life’s little problems.

Speaking of which, shall we talk about yesterday?  Probably not.  But that’s probably a better reason than any.  I always did like to go against the grain.  

It all started with one of my close friends cancelling a visit.  Through no fault of her own, and normally I really wouldn’t bat an eye lid.  At all.  But for some reason, yesterday, I was so upset, and felt so let down, and so lonely.  Which was utterly ridiculous and completely out of character.  It’s just that I managed to lug myself out of bed and have a shower for the first time in days, held of making my morning smoothie so that I could make us both one when she arrived, and was just generally looking forward to hearing about her new project and seeing the shock in her face when she seen the size of my belly and boobs.  She and I make dates and cancel all of the time.  We’re like that.  It’s who we are.  And that’s probably one of the reasons why we get on so well.  Looking back I can’t believe how hyper sensitive I was.  God, it’s like PMT times a quadrillion!  So that’s what kicked it off.  I cried, and I cried, and I cried.  Oh my gosh it is so, so funny to look back on now, but my word I felt so sorry for myself.  So that’s when the cabin fever set in.  I just wanted to get out and walk, but I live in the city now and there’s nowhere  nice to walk, not close by anyway.  So I decided to go and visit my aunty, she lives in the countryside.  But then I realised I didn’t have enough money for the fare.  I’m pretty skint until the end of the month.  So then I felt trapped, and lonely.  And cried some more.  So I went to shop and bought a packet of tobacco and three Lindor eggs.  And then cried some more because I felt so weak and ashamed of myself.  While I was out my dad called, so I called him back and had to hang up because I couldn’t stop crying.  Thankfully, my mum called a few minutes later.  And after two hours on the telephone her I felt much, much better.  By that time one of my house mates arrived home so I wasn’t the only one in the house and we had dinner together.  She’s such an angel.

So everything was ok.  For a while.  I watched a good film, read a bit of my book, had a nice chat with your dad, and then settled down for some ‘sleep’.  And that’s when the next episode started.  Dora falls asleep with my every single night.  Ever since I got her four months ago.  It’s like she has a built in radar – she knows exactly when I’m going to sleep, slinks under the covers and either curls up in a ball between my thighs and tummy or stretches out along the length of my torso.  Last night she went to her bed under my desk, and wouldn’t come when I called her.  And when I took her out of her bed and carried her into mine, she jumped right out and ran into her own bed.  Well, I was completely taken a back.  Nevertheless I switched off my bedside lamp and assumed my usual position for sleep.  But I couldn’t, it didn’t feel right without her, so I called her, and she didn’t come.  So I switched the light back on, and retrieved her from her bed again and into mine.  Again she scarpered.  I just looked at her in shock, and she just stared right back at me, not bothered.  And the flood gates opened.  Like a six year old with that hiccup crying thing that they do, you know when the worlds ending?  And I knew it was all my own fault.  I’d rejected my baby girl so many times that day, and the day before, and the day before that, that this was her showing me that she was upset with me.  It’s not her fault my breasts are too tender to let her cuddle me there anymore.  She must have been so confused.  That’s where she always cuddles me, like a kitty scarf.  Half of her draped around my neck, the other half resting on my breasts.  And all of a sudden I won’t let her.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks how mean it must feel.  So I cried myself to sleep. 

She was right beside me when I woke up this morning however and I’ve given her lots and lots of attention and nice things to eat today.  You would think everything would be back to normal, but she’s been very naughty tonight.  Another of my fabulous house mates returned home tonight and as we sat at the kitchen table drinking tea and stuffing our faces with chocolate Dora attacked us both separately, on separate occasions and then ran away!  I’m  not sure if she’s just going through an adolescent phase, was trying to play in some new fangled way, or is just really not adjusting to me being in bed for the last five days and not being able to cuddle her the way I used to.  Poor baby.  Maybe she’s missing her daddy too.

So today started well.  I woke up feeling ‘lighter’, I obviously just needed a damn good cry!  Dora was beside me and I began my day with an absolute marathon telephone conversation  with my faerie goddess mother.  If it hadn’t been for my tummy screaming at me for breakfast, we’d probably still be on the phone now!  I don’t know if she’s my faerie goddess mother or my soul sister, but one thing is for sure, she’s your faerie goddess mother and there is no doubt in my mind that you be completely enamoured of her - as am I.  You are going to grow up surrounded by very, very, strong, heroic, beautiful women.  But that is a whole other topic in itself.  Tomorrow I shall tell you all about them.

Please stay strong baby bean, and please, please, don’t go anywhere.

I love you so very much.

Mum xxxxxxx

I Feel More Aware of You Than Ever.

Dear Bean,

Good day to you wee one! Today I feel more aware of you than ever.  I woke up this morning with a very hard and protruding tummy that hasn’t gone away at all! Normally my tummy feels a little bit smaller in the morning.  Well, I like it.  It was the first thing I was aware of as soon as I opened my eyes, and I liked that.

Today I woke up at around 8.30, for the final time.  It was really nice.  I woke up to a sun filled bedroom, had a drink of beautiful mango juice and reached for a nicotinelle gum.  I felt full of sunshine, health and self control.    I’ve smoked ever since I was very young.  More than half my life.  By rights I should look about 80! My lungs probably look absolutely disgusting.  But I’ve stopped now.  For you.  Only in the last few days have I been able to do it properly, it’s because your dad’s not here so I can’t smell it and I’m not tempted.  Before he left I had cut down from 10/20 a day to the odd puff here and there.  It’s really not been that bad  the  past few days, not at all.  I feel very proud of myself.  I feel like I’m taking control of my life and doing something selfless.  I guess if I can’t give up smoking for you, then I can’t do anything for you.  And I want to do everything for you.

At almost 6 pm, I feel like I have more energy than I have had all day!  Probably because I slept between 12.30 and 4.30.  Deeply.  That’s the first time I’ve slept during the day.  I couldn’t help it, and I’m not ashamed. I loved it. I think the reason that I fell asleep was because I was reading one of my dissertation books.  It’s been about three or four weeks since I read anything and it always makes me sleepy when I’ve not done it for a while.  I found it so hard to concentrate at first, but before I knew it I was doing my usual ranting out aloud about how much I disagreed with the author.  Unfortunately I fell asleep about eight pages later! Not to worry, I’ll do some more after my dinner.  I feel much better having looked at my work today, it doesn’t seem as mountainous any more.  Realistically, I don’t think I’m going to make summer graduation.  But, if what everybody says is true and my second trimester is the one when I feel amazing, then I can do my work during that and have it finished by July, leaving enough time for me to study for my maths.  I feel a lot better having worked that out.  Phew!

Earlier today I was looking at a web site that the midwife recommended.  It says that I am nine weeks pregnant.  And this is what it says about you:

Baby is now the size of a green olive (around 30 mm (1.2 inches) in length) and is officially a foetus (no longer an embryo). An ultrasound scan now might be able to pick up the beating heart. With her basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features baby is starting to look like a baby! This week the irises of baby’s little eyes can function, but her eyelids still remain fused shut. Her external ears are formed and his inner ears are now filled with fluid, so your baby is already developing a sense of balance.

At eight weeks you all of your vital organs were in place and beginning to develop.  All your cartilage began the stages of development into bone.  And your sexual organs  began to develop.  So now, you are a definite boy or girl.  This is what we look like now:

And this is what the web site says about me:

Even if you have been careful with your diet you are probably struggling to get into your jeans as you’ll be gaining between 1lb and 2lbs a week. Don’t worry. As long as you are not over-eating (or eating for two) then you’ll soon be back in shape after the birth. It's probably time for some new lingerie. Your sore, bigger-by-the-minute boobs will feel so much better in a maternity bra.

Now might be a good time to evaluate your personal health regime. Are you eating enough protein? Protein can be found in beans, soy products and nuts—it doesn’t have to be meat. Are you sleeping well, exercising right, drinking enough (non-sugary) fluids and getting your vitamin C? Take care of your health now and you’ll come out of your pregnancy fit and ready to be an energetic mother.

I also seen a web site for reusable nappies.  They are so cool, so good for the environment and so cost effective.  And did I mention cute?  Very cute!

Your dad woke up during the night last night to a trapped nerve.  He thinks it’s his sciatic nerve.  He is in so much pain and having to work through it to get the house finished.  I feel really helpless being so far away from him.  And I wish that I could just give him a cuddle.  You’re dad is quite extraordinary when it comes to being in pain.  He has got a very high threshold.  A few years ago he tore every ligament from his toes to his knee.  He never used any pain killers and hardly ever complained.  A few months ago, I twisted my ankle…..I took every pain killer under the sun and never stopped moaning!  Maybe your dad should be the pregnant one!  I think he’s probably going to giggle at me when I’m in labour.  But mostly he’ll be very gallant and supportive.  You have the best dad in the world.  Ever.

It seems my afternoon nap has done wonders for my mind.  I don’t feel as cloudy and slow.  I should probably use this opportunity to focus on some reading!  So on that note,

Stay strong, and safe, and don’t go anywhere.

Lots, and lots, of love

Mum xxxxxx

Early Pregnancy is a Lot Like Being a Child and Waking up on the Eve of Christmas Eve, Every Day.

Dear Bean,

I ‘blog’ to you all the time, in my head.  Particularly at night time when I’m drifting into another sleepless night.  I think I ‘blog’ so much better in my head.  The reason I haven’t actually blogged for a while is because I have been so, so tired.  Extremely tired.  I tidied up today and it took me about five hours, normally it would take an hour or two at the most.  The increasing size of my tummy and breasts make me look four months pregnant rather than two.  I told your daddy today that I think there may be of two of you in there…..he freaked out a bit, a lot actually.  Funny.  The nausea kicked in today, big time.  But at least I haven’t actually been sick yet.  Your dad’s not here just now, he’s gone away for a few weeks to spend some time with his mum and help her get their house in Birmingham ready to let.  I miss him so much.  His mum came up with a really cool name for you if you’re a boy.  Your dad hated every single name I came up with and it was looking like a ‘Declan Jnr’ default, but we both love this name.  It’s Shey/Shay.  It’s perfect.  Its Irish and its of Hebrew origin too – so it suits both sides of your parentage.  I kind of settled on Ellie-Rose for a girl’s name but your Nan said its really, really common …. That was a surprise.  So I’ve reverted back to Sophia-Rose.  It’s beautiful.  Wisdom and Beauty. 

We had our first midwife appointment yesterday.  It was mainly just paper work and setting a date for our first (official) scan.  I’m so excited – it’s going to be a long four weeks!  On Sunday my friend, who is already a mum, took me to some shops to show me what I need to buy for your arrival.  It was a very, very mixed emotion.  Part of me wanted to jump up and down with excitement because it all suddenly felt so much more real, and part of me freaked out, ever so slightly, when I realised how much money I will need for you.  I really need to graduate this summer so that I can study for my maths gcse so that I can get onto a teacher training course.  And I just feel so incapable of work just now.  And time is running out.  I’m so scared.  Maybe I’m just building everything up in my head a bit too much.  Anyway, so on Sunday I bought you something for the first time!  On your second scan, it is possible to tell whether you will be a boy or a girl.  I’m happy to keep it as a surprise but your daddy wants to find out.  He says it’s so that he can buy colour appropriate things for you.  I think he just can’t wait.  I tried to argue that we can buy you whites, creams, yellows and greens.  Well, he and his friend laughed, and laughed, and swore that I was being delusional.  Babies do not get dressed, or have anything, in green they said.  Despite my protests of having seen plenty of pastel/mint green baby items, they didn’t believe me.  Ha Ha.  I bought you the most beautiful, adorable, pastel/mint green sleep suit. I love being right.  It doesn’t happen all that often.

I look forward to writing to you with a clear mind and bundles of energy.  For now I’ll maintain as much contact as my one working brain cell will allow.  I know it’s not much.  But it’s something.  And I am assured, by everyone, and everything that I read, that once the next four weeks have passed, I will be clear mined, oozing with energy and positively glowing.  I can’t wait.  Early pregnancy is a lot like being a child and waking up on the eve of Christmas eve, every day.  You know something very exciting is just around the corner, but you just can’t quite reach it.  And even though you can’t see your present, you know it’s going to be simply amazing.  But the wait.  Oh, my word, the wait…….  I hate waiting.  I just want to know that you’re ok.  And I just want to look at you.  And tell you that I love you.

I want a crystal bloody ball!

I think, it’s probably a lot like being stoned too.  From what I've heard people say its like, of course.  Way too tired to do anything.  Hungry all the time.  Overwhelmed by the idea of the outside world.  Not enough functioning brain cells to accept anyone’s calls.  And not enough energy to act upon the extra loving feelings for your partner.  But since there is a life, and a soul, growing inside of me, I won’t complain.

Since I spent all day cleaning and totally devoided myself of any remaining energy, my uni work will have to wait to tomorrow now.  For I am going to sleep.  It’s only 8.20 pm.  It feels more like 3.20 am.

Goodnight my beautiful angel.

Sweet Dreams.

Stay strong, and safe, and don’t go anywhere.

Lots, and lots, of love,

Mum xxxxxx

I've Seen You!

Dear Bean,

It has certainly been an eventful few weeks since I last wrote!  I followed my urge to be mothered all the way up to bonny Scotland only to discover that I had become a crying bunch of hormones that was completely incapable of processing or organising any kind of information or day trip that involved getting onto more than one bus or visiting more than one member of family in a day. I would end up crying  like a four yr old insisting that I couldn’t handle the ‘pressure’ and your daddy would have to call people to ‘reschedule’ the days ‘plans’. Very funny to look back on, considering it was me who had made all the plans in the first place!  Toward the end of the trip my hormones settled down and I don’t think that I have cried now for at least four days!  My ‘baby brain’ seems to have settled down now, as has my appetite, which is good! At one stage I thought that I had actually evolved into a couch dwelling, cream cake devouring, Jeremy Kyle watching, self loathing day time telly watcher ….. urgh, it was a dark few days. But Alas! I am back to my normal self, well, with additional curves of course, and I actually feel like I may be able to complete my degree in time for summer graduation rather than the winter one.  It will be a very, very tough eight weeks, but I’ve got a sneaky feeling I can do it ;).   Since I conceived you I haven’t been able to sleep solidly through the night and wake up at the crack of dawn every single day,  apparently it’s my body preparing me for having to be awake throughout the night to feed you……I can’t help but think – do I really need a whole nine months prep?!, but at least I’m in good stead to stay awake all night a few times to get all of my work completed.  Standard student practice!  I wonder if you’ll go to university. 

Oh my goodness Bean I’ve seen you!!!!!! Last week I was in severe pain and had to be taken to hospital.  To find out why I was in pain the doctors gave me an ultra sound…….and it turned out that I just needed to go to the toilet, a lot. Yes,   yes, at the moment, I am full of sh*t.  You can stop laughing now.  Before that was discovered however, my womb was scanned to make sure that you were all present and correct…..and there you were… a tiny little circle, the size of a bean, attached to the inside of my womb, your little heart beat flickering away! Needless to say your father and I were completely overwhelmed with relief, joy, wonderment and complete unconditional love for you.  We were both talking yesterday, over my subway birthday breakfast, and affirmed that we wouldn’t change your presence for the world.  We are so happy.  And everything is going to be just fine!

Stay strong and don’t go anywhere,

Lots and Lots of Love,

Mum xxxx

Perfect Timing

Dear Bean,

Today I woke up smiling and have been all day.  Your daddy and I have made some adjustments and put some plans in place and now what seemed like a mountain on Sunday, feels like the most beautiful crystal clear stream.  Everyone is so being supportive and very helpful and more than anything - extremely excited about you! Now I realise that your arrival is perfect timing ….. so this is probably the only time in the next 18 years that you will have known best ;) .

While all that I’ve done today is chat excitedly about you to people that here and on the telephone to people that are not here, I feel like it’s been a very long day.  My body is changing so quickly and I feel very tired even though I haven’t really done very much.  It’s not just the physical stuff that’s changing – my bonds with people have deepened…so much.  I love your daddy with a much deeper and profound love than I ever thought possible!  I feel an overwhelming longing to be with my mum and also to see your daddy’s mum.  My love and respect for your aunties and uncle has exploded and my heart has absolutely melted from the true friendship shown to me by my housemates.  So, I have the most beautiful future, the most friends and family, and your daddy says - the most beautiful b**bs ;) and its all thanks to you…..the most beautiful angel in the world.

Stay strong, and don’t go anywhere.

Lots of Love,

Mum xxxxx

p.s

this is what you look like now.....

You're My Miracle

Dear Bean…

I hope you don’t mind your nick-name, it’s only for a little while longer.  The girls and I decided to call you Bean for now because that’s how small how you are right now.  It’s so hard to take in.  Today is the third day that we’ve known about you, and probably the first day that I’ve been able to fully comprehend your existence in terms of how cope with your arrival and give you the best possible start in life.  Sorry, I should probably introduce myself…….I’m your mum.

I can’t help but cry every time I say that out aloud.  I honestly, never in a million years thought that it was possible for me to have you.  You’re my miracle.  I am so scared of not being good enough for you.   That’s probably why I feel like I’ve never needed my own mum so much as I do right now.  When she found out about me she jumped up and down in delight!  I always thought that if it happened to me too I would react in the same way.  But I didn’t.  I just couldn’t believe it.  I didn’t expect it.  I thought there must be some mistake.  I was in shock for a long time.  Well, it seemed like a long time, probably because I haven’t been able to sleep….I can’t stop thinking about you.  My mum called me David at first…..bean doesn’t seem so bad now does it.

Sometimes, when I’m on my own, I just shake my head in disbelief and with a huge smile on face lift my face upward and mouth the words ‘thank-you’.  I don’t really know who I am thanking.  Perhaps God?  I think that there probably is a God now.  There must be……to let me have you.  I guess I always thought that I didn’t deserve you.  Maybe God thinks that now I do.  I know that in context it’s probably a silly thing to say – but that’s how it feels just now. I promise that I’ll do everything in my power, my whole life, to make you proud of me.  Sometimes, normally when I’m around other people, I cry.  A lot.  Not because I’m sad, just because I’m so overwhelmed.  Even though in reality you’re only the size of a bean, having you inside of me is consequentially enormous. Lots of things will have to change, for lots of people.  Because you’re very important, even though you’re very small.  Your daddy and I have always wanted you …… you just came along a little sooner than we expected ….. maybe that’s our first clue as to what you’re going to be like……

Please stay strong, and don’t go anywhere,

Lots of Love,

Mum xxx