Like a six year old with that hiccup crying thing that they do, you know when the worlds ending?

Dear Bean,

Today has been nice.  Unproductive.  But nice.  I haven’t felt guilty about not doing anything.  And I haven’t been beating myself up about not being able to do anything.  The thing is, over the last few years I’ve developed into an academic proper.  Before that I was a people person proper.  So these last six days or so, not being able to concentrate on a commercial magazine let alone an academic book, coupled with the inability to hold any kind of conversation without feeling awkward or tongue tied,  have really felt like ‘I can’t do anything’.  Exercise?  Walking up stairs makes me feel light headed!  Being pregnant with you is the biggest blessing of my life.  You’re worth the energy drain.  Even though it’s been really, really, hard to get used to.  Today has been nice, I think, because yesterday I had the mother of all melt downs.  Which probably cleared the air a bit.  And I was also rescued by my two mothers.  My mummy, and my fairie goddess mother.  I think I just needed a damn good cry.  And damn did I cry.  All day!  And all night!  I’m a mascara girl.  I don’t really wear make-up much.  Not normally.  Ok, I might have put it on a bit thick when going out for the night.  But normally I just wear mascara.  I just love to dress my eyes.  Windows of the soul.  I swear I was an ancient Egyptian in my past life.  It’s not like my desert island thing or anything, and I’m really not, and never have been, a materialistic girlie girl.  But I do love my mascara.  Well I don’t wear it anymore.  Haven’t done for eight days now.  There’s no point.

Oh, my, gosh.  I’ve just had a brainwave!  Waterproof mascara!  See, it’s good to talk through life’s little problems.

Speaking of which, shall we talk about yesterday?  Probably not.  But that’s probably a better reason than any.  I always did like to go against the grain.  

It all started with one of my close friends cancelling a visit.  Through no fault of her own, and normally I really wouldn’t bat an eye lid.  At all.  But for some reason, yesterday, I was so upset, and felt so let down, and so lonely.  Which was utterly ridiculous and completely out of character.  It’s just that I managed to lug myself out of bed and have a shower for the first time in days, held of making my morning smoothie so that I could make us both one when she arrived, and was just generally looking forward to hearing about her new project and seeing the shock in her face when she seen the size of my belly and boobs.  She and I make dates and cancel all of the time.  We’re like that.  It’s who we are.  And that’s probably one of the reasons why we get on so well.  Looking back I can’t believe how hyper sensitive I was.  God, it’s like PMT times a quadrillion!  So that’s what kicked it off.  I cried, and I cried, and I cried.  Oh my gosh it is so, so funny to look back on now, but my word I felt so sorry for myself.  So that’s when the cabin fever set in.  I just wanted to get out and walk, but I live in the city now and there’s nowhere  nice to walk, not close by anyway.  So I decided to go and visit my aunty, she lives in the countryside.  But then I realised I didn’t have enough money for the fare.  I’m pretty skint until the end of the month.  So then I felt trapped, and lonely.  And cried some more.  So I went to shop and bought a packet of tobacco and three Lindor eggs.  And then cried some more because I felt so weak and ashamed of myself.  While I was out my dad called, so I called him back and had to hang up because I couldn’t stop crying.  Thankfully, my mum called a few minutes later.  And after two hours on the telephone her I felt much, much better.  By that time one of my house mates arrived home so I wasn’t the only one in the house and we had dinner together.  She’s such an angel.

So everything was ok.  For a while.  I watched a good film, read a bit of my book, had a nice chat with your dad, and then settled down for some ‘sleep’.  And that’s when the next episode started.  Dora falls asleep with my every single night.  Ever since I got her four months ago.  It’s like she has a built in radar – she knows exactly when I’m going to sleep, slinks under the covers and either curls up in a ball between my thighs and tummy or stretches out along the length of my torso.  Last night she went to her bed under my desk, and wouldn’t come when I called her.  And when I took her out of her bed and carried her into mine, she jumped right out and ran into her own bed.  Well, I was completely taken a back.  Nevertheless I switched off my bedside lamp and assumed my usual position for sleep.  But I couldn’t, it didn’t feel right without her, so I called her, and she didn’t come.  So I switched the light back on, and retrieved her from her bed again and into mine.  Again she scarpered.  I just looked at her in shock, and she just stared right back at me, not bothered.  And the flood gates opened.  Like a six year old with that hiccup crying thing that they do, you know when the worlds ending?  And I knew it was all my own fault.  I’d rejected my baby girl so many times that day, and the day before, and the day before that, that this was her showing me that she was upset with me.  It’s not her fault my breasts are too tender to let her cuddle me there anymore.  She must have been so confused.  That’s where she always cuddles me, like a kitty scarf.  Half of her draped around my neck, the other half resting on my breasts.  And all of a sudden I won’t let her.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks how mean it must feel.  So I cried myself to sleep. 

She was right beside me when I woke up this morning however and I’ve given her lots and lots of attention and nice things to eat today.  You would think everything would be back to normal, but she’s been very naughty tonight.  Another of my fabulous house mates returned home tonight and as we sat at the kitchen table drinking tea and stuffing our faces with chocolate Dora attacked us both separately, on separate occasions and then ran away!  I’m  not sure if she’s just going through an adolescent phase, was trying to play in some new fangled way, or is just really not adjusting to me being in bed for the last five days and not being able to cuddle her the way I used to.  Poor baby.  Maybe she’s missing her daddy too.

So today started well.  I woke up feeling ‘lighter’, I obviously just needed a damn good cry!  Dora was beside me and I began my day with an absolute marathon telephone conversation  with my faerie goddess mother.  If it hadn’t been for my tummy screaming at me for breakfast, we’d probably still be on the phone now!  I don’t know if she’s my faerie goddess mother or my soul sister, but one thing is for sure, she’s your faerie goddess mother and there is no doubt in my mind that you be completely enamoured of her - as am I.  You are going to grow up surrounded by very, very, strong, heroic, beautiful women.  But that is a whole other topic in itself.  Tomorrow I shall tell you all about them.

Please stay strong baby bean, and please, please, don’t go anywhere.

I love you so very much.

Mum xxxxxxx

I Feel More Aware of You Than Ever.

Dear Bean,

Good day to you wee one! Today I feel more aware of you than ever.  I woke up this morning with a very hard and protruding tummy that hasn’t gone away at all! Normally my tummy feels a little bit smaller in the morning.  Well, I like it.  It was the first thing I was aware of as soon as I opened my eyes, and I liked that.

Today I woke up at around 8.30, for the final time.  It was really nice.  I woke up to a sun filled bedroom, had a drink of beautiful mango juice and reached for a nicotinelle gum.  I felt full of sunshine, health and self control.    I’ve smoked ever since I was very young.  More than half my life.  By rights I should look about 80! My lungs probably look absolutely disgusting.  But I’ve stopped now.  For you.  Only in the last few days have I been able to do it properly, it’s because your dad’s not here so I can’t smell it and I’m not tempted.  Before he left I had cut down from 10/20 a day to the odd puff here and there.  It’s really not been that bad  the  past few days, not at all.  I feel very proud of myself.  I feel like I’m taking control of my life and doing something selfless.  I guess if I can’t give up smoking for you, then I can’t do anything for you.  And I want to do everything for you.

At almost 6 pm, I feel like I have more energy than I have had all day!  Probably because I slept between 12.30 and 4.30.  Deeply.  That’s the first time I’ve slept during the day.  I couldn’t help it, and I’m not ashamed. I loved it. I think the reason that I fell asleep was because I was reading one of my dissertation books.  It’s been about three or four weeks since I read anything and it always makes me sleepy when I’ve not done it for a while.  I found it so hard to concentrate at first, but before I knew it I was doing my usual ranting out aloud about how much I disagreed with the author.  Unfortunately I fell asleep about eight pages later! Not to worry, I’ll do some more after my dinner.  I feel much better having looked at my work today, it doesn’t seem as mountainous any more.  Realistically, I don’t think I’m going to make summer graduation.  But, if what everybody says is true and my second trimester is the one when I feel amazing, then I can do my work during that and have it finished by July, leaving enough time for me to study for my maths.  I feel a lot better having worked that out.  Phew!

Earlier today I was looking at a web site that the midwife recommended.  It says that I am nine weeks pregnant.  And this is what it says about you:

Baby is now the size of a green olive (around 30 mm (1.2 inches) in length) and is officially a foetus (no longer an embryo). An ultrasound scan now might be able to pick up the beating heart. With her basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features baby is starting to look like a baby! This week the irises of baby’s little eyes can function, but her eyelids still remain fused shut. Her external ears are formed and his inner ears are now filled with fluid, so your baby is already developing a sense of balance.

At eight weeks you all of your vital organs were in place and beginning to develop.  All your cartilage began the stages of development into bone.  And your sexual organs  began to develop.  So now, you are a definite boy or girl.  This is what we look like now:

And this is what the web site says about me:

Even if you have been careful with your diet you are probably struggling to get into your jeans as you’ll be gaining between 1lb and 2lbs a week. Don’t worry. As long as you are not over-eating (or eating for two) then you’ll soon be back in shape after the birth. It's probably time for some new lingerie. Your sore, bigger-by-the-minute boobs will feel so much better in a maternity bra.

Now might be a good time to evaluate your personal health regime. Are you eating enough protein? Protein can be found in beans, soy products and nuts—it doesn’t have to be meat. Are you sleeping well, exercising right, drinking enough (non-sugary) fluids and getting your vitamin C? Take care of your health now and you’ll come out of your pregnancy fit and ready to be an energetic mother.

I also seen a web site for reusable nappies.  They are so cool, so good for the environment and so cost effective.  And did I mention cute?  Very cute!

Your dad woke up during the night last night to a trapped nerve.  He thinks it’s his sciatic nerve.  He is in so much pain and having to work through it to get the house finished.  I feel really helpless being so far away from him.  And I wish that I could just give him a cuddle.  You’re dad is quite extraordinary when it comes to being in pain.  He has got a very high threshold.  A few years ago he tore every ligament from his toes to his knee.  He never used any pain killers and hardly ever complained.  A few months ago, I twisted my ankle…..I took every pain killer under the sun and never stopped moaning!  Maybe your dad should be the pregnant one!  I think he’s probably going to giggle at me when I’m in labour.  But mostly he’ll be very gallant and supportive.  You have the best dad in the world.  Ever.

It seems my afternoon nap has done wonders for my mind.  I don’t feel as cloudy and slow.  I should probably use this opportunity to focus on some reading!  So on that note,

Stay strong, and safe, and don’t go anywhere.

Lots, and lots, of love

Mum xxxxxx

Early Pregnancy is a Lot Like Being a Child and Waking up on the Eve of Christmas Eve, Every Day.

Dear Bean,

I ‘blog’ to you all the time, in my head.  Particularly at night time when I’m drifting into another sleepless night.  I think I ‘blog’ so much better in my head.  The reason I haven’t actually blogged for a while is because I have been so, so tired.  Extremely tired.  I tidied up today and it took me about five hours, normally it would take an hour or two at the most.  The increasing size of my tummy and breasts make me look four months pregnant rather than two.  I told your daddy today that I think there may be of two of you in there…..he freaked out a bit, a lot actually.  Funny.  The nausea kicked in today, big time.  But at least I haven’t actually been sick yet.  Your dad’s not here just now, he’s gone away for a few weeks to spend some time with his mum and help her get their house in Birmingham ready to let.  I miss him so much.  His mum came up with a really cool name for you if you’re a boy.  Your dad hated every single name I came up with and it was looking like a ‘Declan Jnr’ default, but we both love this name.  It’s Shey/Shay.  It’s perfect.  Its Irish and its of Hebrew origin too – so it suits both sides of your parentage.  I kind of settled on Ellie-Rose for a girl’s name but your Nan said its really, really common …. That was a surprise.  So I’ve reverted back to Sophia-Rose.  It’s beautiful.  Wisdom and Beauty. 

We had our first midwife appointment yesterday.  It was mainly just paper work and setting a date for our first (official) scan.  I’m so excited – it’s going to be a long four weeks!  On Sunday my friend, who is already a mum, took me to some shops to show me what I need to buy for your arrival.  It was a very, very mixed emotion.  Part of me wanted to jump up and down with excitement because it all suddenly felt so much more real, and part of me freaked out, ever so slightly, when I realised how much money I will need for you.  I really need to graduate this summer so that I can study for my maths gcse so that I can get onto a teacher training course.  And I just feel so incapable of work just now.  And time is running out.  I’m so scared.  Maybe I’m just building everything up in my head a bit too much.  Anyway, so on Sunday I bought you something for the first time!  On your second scan, it is possible to tell whether you will be a boy or a girl.  I’m happy to keep it as a surprise but your daddy wants to find out.  He says it’s so that he can buy colour appropriate things for you.  I think he just can’t wait.  I tried to argue that we can buy you whites, creams, yellows and greens.  Well, he and his friend laughed, and laughed, and swore that I was being delusional.  Babies do not get dressed, or have anything, in green they said.  Despite my protests of having seen plenty of pastel/mint green baby items, they didn’t believe me.  Ha Ha.  I bought you the most beautiful, adorable, pastel/mint green sleep suit. I love being right.  It doesn’t happen all that often.

I look forward to writing to you with a clear mind and bundles of energy.  For now I’ll maintain as much contact as my one working brain cell will allow.  I know it’s not much.  But it’s something.  And I am assured, by everyone, and everything that I read, that once the next four weeks have passed, I will be clear mined, oozing with energy and positively glowing.  I can’t wait.  Early pregnancy is a lot like being a child and waking up on the eve of Christmas eve, every day.  You know something very exciting is just around the corner, but you just can’t quite reach it.  And even though you can’t see your present, you know it’s going to be simply amazing.  But the wait.  Oh, my word, the wait…….  I hate waiting.  I just want to know that you’re ok.  And I just want to look at you.  And tell you that I love you.

I want a crystal bloody ball!

I think, it’s probably a lot like being stoned too.  From what I've heard people say its like, of course.  Way too tired to do anything.  Hungry all the time.  Overwhelmed by the idea of the outside world.  Not enough functioning brain cells to accept anyone’s calls.  And not enough energy to act upon the extra loving feelings for your partner.  But since there is a life, and a soul, growing inside of me, I won’t complain.

Since I spent all day cleaning and totally devoided myself of any remaining energy, my uni work will have to wait to tomorrow now.  For I am going to sleep.  It’s only 8.20 pm.  It feels more like 3.20 am.

Goodnight my beautiful angel.

Sweet Dreams.

Stay strong, and safe, and don’t go anywhere.

Lots, and lots, of love,

Mum xxxxxx