I've Seen You!

Dear Bean,

It has certainly been an eventful few weeks since I last wrote!  I followed my urge to be mothered all the way up to bonny Scotland only to discover that I had become a crying bunch of hormones that was completely incapable of processing or organising any kind of information or day trip that involved getting onto more than one bus or visiting more than one member of family in a day. I would end up crying  like a four yr old insisting that I couldn’t handle the ‘pressure’ and your daddy would have to call people to ‘reschedule’ the days ‘plans’. Very funny to look back on, considering it was me who had made all the plans in the first place!  Toward the end of the trip my hormones settled down and I don’t think that I have cried now for at least four days!  My ‘baby brain’ seems to have settled down now, as has my appetite, which is good! At one stage I thought that I had actually evolved into a couch dwelling, cream cake devouring, Jeremy Kyle watching, self loathing day time telly watcher ….. urgh, it was a dark few days. But Alas! I am back to my normal self, well, with additional curves of course, and I actually feel like I may be able to complete my degree in time for summer graduation rather than the winter one.  It will be a very, very tough eight weeks, but I’ve got a sneaky feeling I can do it ;).   Since I conceived you I haven’t been able to sleep solidly through the night and wake up at the crack of dawn every single day,  apparently it’s my body preparing me for having to be awake throughout the night to feed you……I can’t help but think – do I really need a whole nine months prep?!, but at least I’m in good stead to stay awake all night a few times to get all of my work completed.  Standard student practice!  I wonder if you’ll go to university. 

Oh my goodness Bean I’ve seen you!!!!!! Last week I was in severe pain and had to be taken to hospital.  To find out why I was in pain the doctors gave me an ultra sound…….and it turned out that I just needed to go to the toilet, a lot. Yes,   yes, at the moment, I am full of sh*t.  You can stop laughing now.  Before that was discovered however, my womb was scanned to make sure that you were all present and correct…..and there you were… a tiny little circle, the size of a bean, attached to the inside of my womb, your little heart beat flickering away! Needless to say your father and I were completely overwhelmed with relief, joy, wonderment and complete unconditional love for you.  We were both talking yesterday, over my subway birthday breakfast, and affirmed that we wouldn’t change your presence for the world.  We are so happy.  And everything is going to be just fine!

Stay strong and don’t go anywhere,

Lots and Lots of Love,

Mum xxxx

Perfect Timing

Dear Bean,

Today I woke up smiling and have been all day.  Your daddy and I have made some adjustments and put some plans in place and now what seemed like a mountain on Sunday, feels like the most beautiful crystal clear stream.  Everyone is so being supportive and very helpful and more than anything - extremely excited about you! Now I realise that your arrival is perfect timing ….. so this is probably the only time in the next 18 years that you will have known best ;) .

While all that I’ve done today is chat excitedly about you to people that here and on the telephone to people that are not here, I feel like it’s been a very long day.  My body is changing so quickly and I feel very tired even though I haven’t really done very much.  It’s not just the physical stuff that’s changing – my bonds with people have deepened…so much.  I love your daddy with a much deeper and profound love than I ever thought possible!  I feel an overwhelming longing to be with my mum and also to see your daddy’s mum.  My love and respect for your aunties and uncle has exploded and my heart has absolutely melted from the true friendship shown to me by my housemates.  So, I have the most beautiful future, the most friends and family, and your daddy says - the most beautiful b**bs ;) and its all thanks to you…..the most beautiful angel in the world.

Stay strong, and don’t go anywhere.

Lots of Love,

Mum xxxxx

p.s

this is what you look like now.....

You're My Miracle

Dear Bean…

I hope you don’t mind your nick-name, it’s only for a little while longer.  The girls and I decided to call you Bean for now because that’s how small how you are right now.  It’s so hard to take in.  Today is the third day that we’ve known about you, and probably the first day that I’ve been able to fully comprehend your existence in terms of how cope with your arrival and give you the best possible start in life.  Sorry, I should probably introduce myself…….I’m your mum.

I can’t help but cry every time I say that out aloud.  I honestly, never in a million years thought that it was possible for me to have you.  You’re my miracle.  I am so scared of not being good enough for you.   That’s probably why I feel like I’ve never needed my own mum so much as I do right now.  When she found out about me she jumped up and down in delight!  I always thought that if it happened to me too I would react in the same way.  But I didn’t.  I just couldn’t believe it.  I didn’t expect it.  I thought there must be some mistake.  I was in shock for a long time.  Well, it seemed like a long time, probably because I haven’t been able to sleep….I can’t stop thinking about you.  My mum called me David at first…..bean doesn’t seem so bad now does it.

Sometimes, when I’m on my own, I just shake my head in disbelief and with a huge smile on face lift my face upward and mouth the words ‘thank-you’.  I don’t really know who I am thanking.  Perhaps God?  I think that there probably is a God now.  There must be……to let me have you.  I guess I always thought that I didn’t deserve you.  Maybe God thinks that now I do.  I know that in context it’s probably a silly thing to say – but that’s how it feels just now. I promise that I’ll do everything in my power, my whole life, to make you proud of me.  Sometimes, normally when I’m around other people, I cry.  A lot.  Not because I’m sad, just because I’m so overwhelmed.  Even though in reality you’re only the size of a bean, having you inside of me is consequentially enormous. Lots of things will have to change, for lots of people.  Because you’re very important, even though you’re very small.  Your daddy and I have always wanted you …… you just came along a little sooner than we expected ….. maybe that’s our first clue as to what you’re going to be like……

Please stay strong, and don’t go anywhere,

Lots of Love,

Mum xxx