You're My Miracle

Dear Bean…

I hope you don’t mind your nick-name, it’s only for a little while longer.  The girls and I decided to call you Bean for now because that’s how small how you are right now.  It’s so hard to take in.  Today is the third day that we’ve known about you, and probably the first day that I’ve been able to fully comprehend your existence in terms of how cope with your arrival and give you the best possible start in life.  Sorry, I should probably introduce myself…….I’m your mum.

I can’t help but cry every time I say that out aloud.  I honestly, never in a million years thought that it was possible for me to have you.  You’re my miracle.  I am so scared of not being good enough for you.   That’s probably why I feel like I’ve never needed my own mum so much as I do right now.  When she found out about me she jumped up and down in delight!  I always thought that if it happened to me too I would react in the same way.  But I didn’t.  I just couldn’t believe it.  I didn’t expect it.  I thought there must be some mistake.  I was in shock for a long time.  Well, it seemed like a long time, probably because I haven’t been able to sleep….I can’t stop thinking about you.  My mum called me David at first…..bean doesn’t seem so bad now does it.

Sometimes, when I’m on my own, I just shake my head in disbelief and with a huge smile on face lift my face upward and mouth the words ‘thank-you’.  I don’t really know who I am thanking.  Perhaps God?  I think that there probably is a God now.  There must be……to let me have you.  I guess I always thought that I didn’t deserve you.  Maybe God thinks that now I do.  I know that in context it’s probably a silly thing to say – but that’s how it feels just now. I promise that I’ll do everything in my power, my whole life, to make you proud of me.  Sometimes, normally when I’m around other people, I cry.  A lot.  Not because I’m sad, just because I’m so overwhelmed.  Even though in reality you’re only the size of a bean, having you inside of me is consequentially enormous. Lots of things will have to change, for lots of people.  Because you’re very important, even though you’re very small.  Your daddy and I have always wanted you …… you just came along a little sooner than we expected ….. maybe that’s our first clue as to what you’re going to be like……

Please stay strong, and don’t go anywhere,

Lots of Love,

Mum xxx