I know that he will always look after you and protect you, the way that he looks after me, and protects me.

Dear Bean,

It feels strange calling you bean since you are so big now.  Your dad said I should rename this journal ‘dear orange’ …. He should pay attention, you’re the size of a small melon ;). I’m seventeen weeks and four days pregnant with you.  I’m convinced that you are a girl, and he is convinced that you are a boy.  You can hear me now and even though your eye lids are still fused together you can see light.  Yesterday I had a bath to see if I could feel you moving.  I didn’t feel you move, but I did feel you! Right at the surface of my tummy.  When I raised my tummy to the top of the water you floated to the surface of my tummy and when I sank back down into the bath you sank back down inside my tummy.  It’d difficult to describe what an overwhelming feeling that was……it was very, very special.  I don’t have all that many symptoms to be honest.  I’m very hungry all of the time – not for anything in particular, and I’ve started to become very dizzy and breathless when partaking in the most miniscule of tasks.  I have very insecure dreams and to a certain extent lack motivation.  I have plenty of motivation to tidy up but I have to force myself every day to do some uni work.  I didn’t get it all done in time for summer graduation.  I didn’t get any of it done.  It was really upsetting, at the time.  Seeing everyone else finishing was hard.  I just could do it…..i had no brain power what so ever.  And now that I do have the brain power … the motivation is somewhat lacking. Buuut, I just know that it will be ok and everything will fall into place.  I plod along daily and I know for a fact that one day my muse will bring all of her friends and have a party at my place and it will just ooze forth!

I started exercising the other week, I got a work out d.v.d for pregnant women and did it every day for a week…it made me feel amazing.  I’ve always been a very active sporty person so it’s been hard for me to have no energy.  Getting my energy levels back felt like a godsend! Anyway, I haven’t exercised in over a week now as I’ve been pretty much confined to my bedroom.  Not because of anything that I’ve done wrong hahaha, or anything that’s wrong with me…..but because I have been nursing my other baby…..Dora.  A few weeks ago we had a heat wave for about a week.  It was hot. Hotter than Africa at one point.  Since Dora had recently gotten all of her injections I decided to let her come outside with us a for a little bit.  I did this about three days running.  Big mistake.  If you’re going to let a cat out, then let it out.  Do not give a little snippet here and there.  With cats, it’s pretty much all or nothing.   And she wanted it all.  After all, she is called Dora  because she’s an explorer.  But she’s still a very tiny inexperienced explorer who thinks that she is a very big and infallible explorer.  One evening the call of the wild obviously became far too  strong for her to be content with cuddles and a d.v.d so she decided to find a way out of the house.  Only the escape route that she discovered was through an attic window with not enough room on the ledge for her to manoeuvre or turn back around.  She fell four floors onto concrete.  When the neighbours brought her to us I felt like my world was falling apart.  She just lay limp in my arms with blood around her mouth and coming from her rear. Her back leg looked beyond repair.  When she started to panic I started to panic ….. thank god one my house mates had done her work experience in a veterinary practice.  She completely took control of the situation and calmed Dora and everyone else down.  She was like ice on fire.  I really thought that she was going die and I would have sold my soul to keep her alive.  The vets managed to save her leg and after a week of sleeping and eating and cuddling she is back to her old mischievous exploratory ways.  She has a metal rod inside of her leg and an adjoining one on the outside.  The outside one won’t be on too much longer but the one on the inside will be there forever.  And it feels like the vet bill will be there forever too!  Ocht well, you cannot put a price on life or health can you?   Well, the vets certainly can! As students, in America we wouldn’t have had to pay for any of her surgery.  Here, we had to pay more than what it will cost to kit you out for a year.  It’s ok, everything will work out.

I’ve applied for a job.  It’s full time, in an office making sales calls.  I’ve done it before, and I’m really good at it.  I used to do it for a news paper group, selling, designing and managing advertising space for local companies.  The woman who gave me that job was the first person in my adult life that gave me a chance and believed in me.  She became my mentor and my best friend.  I loved her so much.  Three years later she died of cancer.  I couldn’t bear to work in the place where she was no more and so I left.  Six months later I became a business woman and the rest is well, a very loooong, looooong story!  The point of this one is, really, that I really need and want this job.  It’s good money, a good environment and safe for my pregnancy.  It will just be so weird going back to that type of work after all of these years…..and so weird making some money after all these years hahaha.  I went into business to make money and have been broke ever since – go figure hahaha.  In those days I would work in the office nine till five and then go straight to work in a night club seven till four.  In those days I was machine……..these days, if I get the job, I’ll work in the office nine till five and then have to study seven till twelve.  To be honest, I really think that not only will having a job relieve a lot of financial pressure but I think that it will boost my confidence and motivational levels.  I really want it.

Just after I wrote to you last month my granny had her ninetieth birthday party.  All of our family came together for the weekend and it was so, so special.  I can’t wait for them to meet you.  You will have lots of cousins to play with, I never did, all of my cousins lived in Africa, it was just me and my brother.  Your dad didn’t even have a brother or a sister.  I would like you to have brothers and sisters.  One thing was missing from the party.  My granddad.  He was remarkable.  He came from a very large and very poor family in Scotland.  One day he cycled over two hundred miles to a job interview for a better life.  He became the head of mines in a far away country where he met my granny and lived a wonderful life.  He never drank, or smoked and he cared for his family and for nature.  When I was small he used to teach me all about plants and trees and wildlife…we would spend hours in his garden and we would walk for hours, playing and collecting leaves for his compost.  When he used to come and visit he would bring me all sorts he found on his walks.  My favourite things where a of sheep skin gloves.  My brothers was a golf ball.  Simple times, simple things.  I loved him so much, and he loved all of us.  The older he became the less he could remember.  But even when he couldn’t remember my name, he still noticed when I dyed my hair.  He always knew who I was, and he always loved me.  I know that he will always look after you and protect you, the way that he looks after me, and protects me.  His name was Jock.

Anyway my little Padame, I have just written the equivalent word count of one of my dissertation chapters, which means that I really ought to stop writing to you and commence my uni work J.

I love you so much baby bean.

Stay safe and don’t go anywhere.

I love you forever,

Mum xxxx