Like a six year old with that hiccup crying thing that they do, you know when the worlds ending?

Dear Bean,

Today has been nice.  Unproductive.  But nice.  I haven’t felt guilty about not doing anything.  And I haven’t been beating myself up about not being able to do anything.  The thing is, over the last few years I’ve developed into an academic proper.  Before that I was a people person proper.  So these last six days or so, not being able to concentrate on a commercial magazine let alone an academic book, coupled with the inability to hold any kind of conversation without feeling awkward or tongue tied,  have really felt like ‘I can’t do anything’.  Exercise?  Walking up stairs makes me feel light headed!  Being pregnant with you is the biggest blessing of my life.  You’re worth the energy drain.  Even though it’s been really, really, hard to get used to.  Today has been nice, I think, because yesterday I had the mother of all melt downs.  Which probably cleared the air a bit.  And I was also rescued by my two mothers.  My mummy, and my fairie goddess mother.  I think I just needed a damn good cry.  And damn did I cry.  All day!  And all night!  I’m a mascara girl.  I don’t really wear make-up much.  Not normally.  Ok, I might have put it on a bit thick when going out for the night.  But normally I just wear mascara.  I just love to dress my eyes.  Windows of the soul.  I swear I was an ancient Egyptian in my past life.  It’s not like my desert island thing or anything, and I’m really not, and never have been, a materialistic girlie girl.  But I do love my mascara.  Well I don’t wear it anymore.  Haven’t done for eight days now.  There’s no point.

Oh, my, gosh.  I’ve just had a brainwave!  Waterproof mascara!  See, it’s good to talk through life’s little problems.

Speaking of which, shall we talk about yesterday?  Probably not.  But that’s probably a better reason than any.  I always did like to go against the grain.  

It all started with one of my close friends cancelling a visit.  Through no fault of her own, and normally I really wouldn’t bat an eye lid.  At all.  But for some reason, yesterday, I was so upset, and felt so let down, and so lonely.  Which was utterly ridiculous and completely out of character.  It’s just that I managed to lug myself out of bed and have a shower for the first time in days, held of making my morning smoothie so that I could make us both one when she arrived, and was just generally looking forward to hearing about her new project and seeing the shock in her face when she seen the size of my belly and boobs.  She and I make dates and cancel all of the time.  We’re like that.  It’s who we are.  And that’s probably one of the reasons why we get on so well.  Looking back I can’t believe how hyper sensitive I was.  God, it’s like PMT times a quadrillion!  So that’s what kicked it off.  I cried, and I cried, and I cried.  Oh my gosh it is so, so funny to look back on now, but my word I felt so sorry for myself.  So that’s when the cabin fever set in.  I just wanted to get out and walk, but I live in the city now and there’s nowhere  nice to walk, not close by anyway.  So I decided to go and visit my aunty, she lives in the countryside.  But then I realised I didn’t have enough money for the fare.  I’m pretty skint until the end of the month.  So then I felt trapped, and lonely.  And cried some more.  So I went to shop and bought a packet of tobacco and three Lindor eggs.  And then cried some more because I felt so weak and ashamed of myself.  While I was out my dad called, so I called him back and had to hang up because I couldn’t stop crying.  Thankfully, my mum called a few minutes later.  And after two hours on the telephone her I felt much, much better.  By that time one of my house mates arrived home so I wasn’t the only one in the house and we had dinner together.  She’s such an angel.

So everything was ok.  For a while.  I watched a good film, read a bit of my book, had a nice chat with your dad, and then settled down for some ‘sleep’.  And that’s when the next episode started.  Dora falls asleep with my every single night.  Ever since I got her four months ago.  It’s like she has a built in radar – she knows exactly when I’m going to sleep, slinks under the covers and either curls up in a ball between my thighs and tummy or stretches out along the length of my torso.  Last night she went to her bed under my desk, and wouldn’t come when I called her.  And when I took her out of her bed and carried her into mine, she jumped right out and ran into her own bed.  Well, I was completely taken a back.  Nevertheless I switched off my bedside lamp and assumed my usual position for sleep.  But I couldn’t, it didn’t feel right without her, so I called her, and she didn’t come.  So I switched the light back on, and retrieved her from her bed again and into mine.  Again she scarpered.  I just looked at her in shock, and she just stared right back at me, not bothered.  And the flood gates opened.  Like a six year old with that hiccup crying thing that they do, you know when the worlds ending?  And I knew it was all my own fault.  I’d rejected my baby girl so many times that day, and the day before, and the day before that, that this was her showing me that she was upset with me.  It’s not her fault my breasts are too tender to let her cuddle me there anymore.  She must have been so confused.  That’s where she always cuddles me, like a kitty scarf.  Half of her draped around my neck, the other half resting on my breasts.  And all of a sudden I won’t let her.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks how mean it must feel.  So I cried myself to sleep. 

She was right beside me when I woke up this morning however and I’ve given her lots and lots of attention and nice things to eat today.  You would think everything would be back to normal, but she’s been very naughty tonight.  Another of my fabulous house mates returned home tonight and as we sat at the kitchen table drinking tea and stuffing our faces with chocolate Dora attacked us both separately, on separate occasions and then ran away!  I’m  not sure if she’s just going through an adolescent phase, was trying to play in some new fangled way, or is just really not adjusting to me being in bed for the last five days and not being able to cuddle her the way I used to.  Poor baby.  Maybe she’s missing her daddy too.

So today started well.  I woke up feeling ‘lighter’, I obviously just needed a damn good cry!  Dora was beside me and I began my day with an absolute marathon telephone conversation  with my faerie goddess mother.  If it hadn’t been for my tummy screaming at me for breakfast, we’d probably still be on the phone now!  I don’t know if she’s my faerie goddess mother or my soul sister, but one thing is for sure, she’s your faerie goddess mother and there is no doubt in my mind that you be completely enamoured of her - as am I.  You are going to grow up surrounded by very, very, strong, heroic, beautiful women.  But that is a whole other topic in itself.  Tomorrow I shall tell you all about them.

Please stay strong baby bean, and please, please, don’t go anywhere.

I love you so very much.

Mum xxxxxxx