I Feel More Aware of You Than Ever.

Dear Bean,

Good day to you wee one! Today I feel more aware of you than ever.  I woke up this morning with a very hard and protruding tummy that hasn’t gone away at all! Normally my tummy feels a little bit smaller in the morning.  Well, I like it.  It was the first thing I was aware of as soon as I opened my eyes, and I liked that.

Today I woke up at around 8.30, for the final time.  It was really nice.  I woke up to a sun filled bedroom, had a drink of beautiful mango juice and reached for a nicotinelle gum.  I felt full of sunshine, health and self control.    I’ve smoked ever since I was very young.  More than half my life.  By rights I should look about 80! My lungs probably look absolutely disgusting.  But I’ve stopped now.  For you.  Only in the last few days have I been able to do it properly, it’s because your dad’s not here so I can’t smell it and I’m not tempted.  Before he left I had cut down from 10/20 a day to the odd puff here and there.  It’s really not been that bad  the  past few days, not at all.  I feel very proud of myself.  I feel like I’m taking control of my life and doing something selfless.  I guess if I can’t give up smoking for you, then I can’t do anything for you.  And I want to do everything for you.

At almost 6 pm, I feel like I have more energy than I have had all day!  Probably because I slept between 12.30 and 4.30.  Deeply.  That’s the first time I’ve slept during the day.  I couldn’t help it, and I’m not ashamed. I loved it. I think the reason that I fell asleep was because I was reading one of my dissertation books.  It’s been about three or four weeks since I read anything and it always makes me sleepy when I’ve not done it for a while.  I found it so hard to concentrate at first, but before I knew it I was doing my usual ranting out aloud about how much I disagreed with the author.  Unfortunately I fell asleep about eight pages later! Not to worry, I’ll do some more after my dinner.  I feel much better having looked at my work today, it doesn’t seem as mountainous any more.  Realistically, I don’t think I’m going to make summer graduation.  But, if what everybody says is true and my second trimester is the one when I feel amazing, then I can do my work during that and have it finished by July, leaving enough time for me to study for my maths.  I feel a lot better having worked that out.  Phew!

Earlier today I was looking at a web site that the midwife recommended.  It says that I am nine weeks pregnant.  And this is what it says about you:

Baby is now the size of a green olive (around 30 mm (1.2 inches) in length) and is officially a foetus (no longer an embryo). An ultrasound scan now might be able to pick up the beating heart. With her basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features baby is starting to look like a baby! This week the irises of baby’s little eyes can function, but her eyelids still remain fused shut. Her external ears are formed and his inner ears are now filled with fluid, so your baby is already developing a sense of balance.

At eight weeks you all of your vital organs were in place and beginning to develop.  All your cartilage began the stages of development into bone.  And your sexual organs  began to develop.  So now, you are a definite boy or girl.  This is what we look like now:

And this is what the web site says about me:

Even if you have been careful with your diet you are probably struggling to get into your jeans as you’ll be gaining between 1lb and 2lbs a week. Don’t worry. As long as you are not over-eating (or eating for two) then you’ll soon be back in shape after the birth. It's probably time for some new lingerie. Your sore, bigger-by-the-minute boobs will feel so much better in a maternity bra.

Now might be a good time to evaluate your personal health regime. Are you eating enough protein? Protein can be found in beans, soy products and nuts—it doesn’t have to be meat. Are you sleeping well, exercising right, drinking enough (non-sugary) fluids and getting your vitamin C? Take care of your health now and you’ll come out of your pregnancy fit and ready to be an energetic mother.

I also seen a web site for reusable nappies.  They are so cool, so good for the environment and so cost effective.  And did I mention cute?  Very cute!

Your dad woke up during the night last night to a trapped nerve.  He thinks it’s his sciatic nerve.  He is in so much pain and having to work through it to get the house finished.  I feel really helpless being so far away from him.  And I wish that I could just give him a cuddle.  You’re dad is quite extraordinary when it comes to being in pain.  He has got a very high threshold.  A few years ago he tore every ligament from his toes to his knee.  He never used any pain killers and hardly ever complained.  A few months ago, I twisted my ankle…..I took every pain killer under the sun and never stopped moaning!  Maybe your dad should be the pregnant one!  I think he’s probably going to giggle at me when I’m in labour.  But mostly he’ll be very gallant and supportive.  You have the best dad in the world.  Ever.

It seems my afternoon nap has done wonders for my mind.  I don’t feel as cloudy and slow.  I should probably use this opportunity to focus on some reading!  So on that note,

Stay strong, and safe, and don’t go anywhere.

Lots, and lots, of love

Mum xxxxxx