Early Pregnancy is a Lot Like Being a Child and Waking up on the Eve of Christmas Eve, Every Day.

Dear Bean,

I ‘blog’ to you all the time, in my head.  Particularly at night time when I’m drifting into another sleepless night.  I think I ‘blog’ so much better in my head.  The reason I haven’t actually blogged for a while is because I have been so, so tired.  Extremely tired.  I tidied up today and it took me about five hours, normally it would take an hour or two at the most.  The increasing size of my tummy and breasts make me look four months pregnant rather than two.  I told your daddy today that I think there may be of two of you in there…..he freaked out a bit, a lot actually.  Funny.  The nausea kicked in today, big time.  But at least I haven’t actually been sick yet.  Your dad’s not here just now, he’s gone away for a few weeks to spend some time with his mum and help her get their house in Birmingham ready to let.  I miss him so much.  His mum came up with a really cool name for you if you’re a boy.  Your dad hated every single name I came up with and it was looking like a ‘Declan Jnr’ default, but we both love this name.  It’s Shey/Shay.  It’s perfect.  Its Irish and its of Hebrew origin too – so it suits both sides of your parentage.  I kind of settled on Ellie-Rose for a girl’s name but your Nan said its really, really common …. That was a surprise.  So I’ve reverted back to Sophia-Rose.  It’s beautiful.  Wisdom and Beauty. 

We had our first midwife appointment yesterday.  It was mainly just paper work and setting a date for our first (official) scan.  I’m so excited – it’s going to be a long four weeks!  On Sunday my friend, who is already a mum, took me to some shops to show me what I need to buy for your arrival.  It was a very, very mixed emotion.  Part of me wanted to jump up and down with excitement because it all suddenly felt so much more real, and part of me freaked out, ever so slightly, when I realised how much money I will need for you.  I really need to graduate this summer so that I can study for my maths gcse so that I can get onto a teacher training course.  And I just feel so incapable of work just now.  And time is running out.  I’m so scared.  Maybe I’m just building everything up in my head a bit too much.  Anyway, so on Sunday I bought you something for the first time!  On your second scan, it is possible to tell whether you will be a boy or a girl.  I’m happy to keep it as a surprise but your daddy wants to find out.  He says it’s so that he can buy colour appropriate things for you.  I think he just can’t wait.  I tried to argue that we can buy you whites, creams, yellows and greens.  Well, he and his friend laughed, and laughed, and swore that I was being delusional.  Babies do not get dressed, or have anything, in green they said.  Despite my protests of having seen plenty of pastel/mint green baby items, they didn’t believe me.  Ha Ha.  I bought you the most beautiful, adorable, pastel/mint green sleep suit. I love being right.  It doesn’t happen all that often.

I look forward to writing to you with a clear mind and bundles of energy.  For now I’ll maintain as much contact as my one working brain cell will allow.  I know it’s not much.  But it’s something.  And I am assured, by everyone, and everything that I read, that once the next four weeks have passed, I will be clear mined, oozing with energy and positively glowing.  I can’t wait.  Early pregnancy is a lot like being a child and waking up on the eve of Christmas eve, every day.  You know something very exciting is just around the corner, but you just can’t quite reach it.  And even though you can’t see your present, you know it’s going to be simply amazing.  But the wait.  Oh, my word, the wait…….  I hate waiting.  I just want to know that you’re ok.  And I just want to look at you.  And tell you that I love you.

I want a crystal bloody ball!

I think, it’s probably a lot like being stoned too.  From what I've heard people say its like, of course.  Way too tired to do anything.  Hungry all the time.  Overwhelmed by the idea of the outside world.  Not enough functioning brain cells to accept anyone’s calls.  And not enough energy to act upon the extra loving feelings for your partner.  But since there is a life, and a soul, growing inside of me, I won’t complain.

Since I spent all day cleaning and totally devoided myself of any remaining energy, my uni work will have to wait to tomorrow now.  For I am going to sleep.  It’s only 8.20 pm.  It feels more like 3.20 am.

Goodnight my beautiful angel.

Sweet Dreams.

Stay strong, and safe, and don’t go anywhere.

Lots, and lots, of love,

Mum xxxxxx